According to Jacob Schroder, summarizing a number of studies of retirees in Kiplinger Magazine in 2020, money is important to a joyful and meaningful retirement, but so are at least seven other things. He lists the following:
Working at staying healthy, fostering strong social connections, having a clear sense of meaning or purpose, never stop learning, cultivating optimism and practicing gratitude, and having a feathered or furry friend.[i] So far we have explored the transition in terms of meaning and purpose as well as habits and structure, which he doesn’t mention. This week we are focusing on what is for most of us an especially challenging aspect of aging that is exacerbated by retirement—your social and community life.
Many people move when they retire. They may want to be closer to family, move to a less expensive area, get away from the cold (or hot) weather. For some people (especially introverts) it is difficult to build a circle of friends in a new community and stay in meaningful contact with those you leave behind. Dear Abby probably gets more variants on this question than any other. Some retirees divide their time between two locations (snowbirds) or change their minds as they get older and want to be closer to family and old friends. Retirement advisers recommend checking out your prospective new home—maybe rent for a year or check it out in out with the locals.
Those of us who retire in place have a somewhat easier challenge. Even if we have good genes, work to stay healthy, cultivate optimism, practice gratitude, pet the cat or dog, and have meaning and purpose, we still must face the loss of friends and family over the years. I have friends who are divorced or widowed and friends with no adult children who find themselves spending more time alone and are looking for companionship. I knew this was ahead for me even though I live in a community with a lot of people I knew before retirement. I became a widow at 74 after a 53-year marriage. Most of my female relatives lived well into their 90s. When I paid my yearly visit to my beloved Aunt Marion the year before she died (at age 96), she said sadly, “I used to have a lot of friends, but they are all dead.” Even in the same community, friends die or move away. Friends from work drift away. If, like me, you move to a retirement community in the same town, you miss the neighbors, although retirement communities are good ways to meet people and make new friends. And if you have had a partner and that relationship ends through death or divorce, you soon find that your married friends are less inclined to socialize with you.
Family can be very important, but we were all taught to take responsibility for our own lives and to raise our children to be independent. Mine are. I am proud of them, but they lead busy lives and I don’t see them all that often, although I know they will be there for me if I need them. The grandchildren are all young adults with busy lives of their own. The last one is in college, and the others are working and planning for their futures. Motherhood is satisfying and meaningful, but it is a job you work your way out of, sometimes with a second shift when the grandchildren are young. So family matters, but most of us want companionship closer to our own age and without all the baggage of hanging out with someone whose diapers you used to change.
Girl Scouts sing this little ditty, “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold.” It’s important to make the effort to keep in touch with old friends, and not just on Facebook (which I divorced three years ago). But it’s also important to have a strategy for making new friends. Living in a small college town, I often find myself a source of advice and suggestions on what to do, where to go, how to find your “people.” I am a religious and political liberal living in the red state South, so I learned early on how to find my people. My oldest daughter, who shares that outlook on life, did the same with different resources. (She has running friends, neighbor friends, and a national network of work-related colleagues.) Some of these newcomers found me, and some of my newer friends are people I have mentored through the process. My longest-term friend in my current town has been with me for 58 years, knocking on my door to welcome me in 1966 as a fellow wife of a physics professor. Most of my friends are close in age, most but not all are women.
Where did I find them? At the time I wasn’t actively looking. I have church friendships that resulted from wanting to raise my children in a faith community and sing in a church choir. I have friends from doing kid things like being a scout leader and carpooling. I was looking for a way to be active in nonpartisan politics in a very conservative state, so when I arrived in Clemson intent on joining the local League of Women Voters, only to find there wasn’t one—I started one. Many of my lifelong friends were people I met that way. Intentional communities of all kinds—quilters, bridge groups, book clubs, pickleball—all are ways to meet people. Newcomers’ clubs in many communities help people to make friends. The town just down the road from mine, Anderson, has a group called ABC—Anderson By Choice—people who have moved there from distant places and decided to stay. Adult education programs are another resource—you can enjoy learning new skills and ideas while also meeting people who became friends. Volunteering is another way to meet people and make friends.
I have learned, despite my reserved New England upbringing, to suggest to someone who strikes me as friend material to go out for coffee, or lunch. For most of my life I waited for someone else to take the initiative, but now I sit down on Monday and ask myself, whom do I want to spend some time with this week? I also have a pool of friends to travel with, although there are more and more opportunities for solo travel. I belong to one group that meets weekly on Friday afternoon for wine and conversation and another that meets monthly for dinner and take turns being the speaker. (A bunch of retired academics, as you might guess!)
Some friends just happen, but someone has to take the initiative—first to meet, then to befriend and embark on a voyage of mutual discovery and adventure. So pick a target and find something simple you can do together. And cultivate the relationship, check in from time to time, suggest an outing or a visit or lunch. Old friends, new friends, new communities will make your retirement life more satisfying and more meaningful for you and for your new friends.
[i] https://www.kiplinger.com/retirement/happy-retirement/601160/7-surprisingly-valuable-assets-for-a-happy-retirement
PurpleSage41 
Glad to be counted among your friends 😊❤️
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